


Kylo and Mr. Huxerson

by mediarahan



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Don't Read This, M/M, i got drunk and decided that Tim & Eric's Carol and Mr. Henderson are Kylo Ren and General HUx, you can bet it's OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:44:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5740678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mediarahan/pseuds/mediarahan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren is in love with his sadistic boss who says "capiche" at the end of all his sentences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chunky

**Author's Note:**

> I transcribed each of Carol's appearances in Tim & Erc Awesome Show Great Job nearly word for word so I could write this atrocity and I hope I die for this. I almost did, writing Hux telling Kylo he looks like a burrito this morning with absolutely no context whatsoever.

Kylo Ren stood on the bridge of the Finalizer, staring out a window when, as he’d been patiently waiting for, General Hux approached him.  
“Ren.”  
“General Hux.”  
He turned to face the general, a dreamy smile conveniently hidden behind his mask.  
“How are you?”  
“Good, thank you.”  
Their conversations were always like this, brief and meaningless. He hoped he hadn’t been waiting all this time in vain.  
“Looking real good. Real hot.”  
The moment had finally arrived. Kylo blushed and tried to keep his cool.  
“You look good too, sir.”  
Hux leaned against a navigation panel. Odd.  
“I’d like to take you home and snack on you tonight, you are getting me rockhard.”  
Kylo shyly brushed a hand over his helmet.  
“Thank you, I just had my hair cut.”  
Hux made some uncharacteristically loud whoops and grunts.  
“Look good enough for a poke,” He shouted, loud enough for the whole crew to hear as he gripped the panel and jerked his hips, hard…  
“It’s… it’s my dream, sir,” Kylo replied.  
“Tell you what,” Hux whispered, leaning in, “Why don’t I take you back to my office and I’ll take care of that for you, you know what I’m saying?”  
“Yes,” Kylo nearly gasped.  
“Oh yeah?” Hux began deviously. He looked around and saw an (unauthorized) unattended mug of tea at a work station. He picked it up and threw it at Kylo’s mask.  
“What, are you nuts? You’re a cow, Ren. You’re a cow. Capiche?”  
Kylo teared up a little, but then he awoke, alone, in his own bed. Screaming.  
He looked over at his grandfather’s helmet, to the little picture of Hux he’d stolen from a personnel file and taped to it.  
He went over and kissed the picture, when the heard the Dark beckon to him:  
“GET IN SHAPE”  
His breathing became ragged and he raked his fingers along the wall behind him, writing those very words.  
He was long overdue for some very serious training. He pressed some buttons in the wall, turned on some Evanescence inside his helmet, grabbed his lightsaber, and headed for his ship.  
He didn’t notify the usual crew, he was going to do this himself. He stormed through the corridors to the hangar and the ramp was already opened when he arrived.  
He could hear voices over the loudspeaker, but he drowned them out as he continued up the ramp and-  
And then found himself lying on the floor, groaning. He must have tripped right off the ramp. Again. Stormtroopers were rushing to his side, hauling him off to medbay.  
This was even further than he’d gotten last time, at least.

Hux and Snoke’s hologram were having one of their daily meetings.  
“I’m going to be out Thursday and Friday, getting the ears professionally cleaned.”  
Snoke nodded sagely.  
“Oh, that’s a good move. Worth every penny.”  
“Well, it has gotten very infected in there,” Hux admitted.  
“Who is doing it for you?” The mysterious creature asked.  
Kylo opened the door to the chamber with news for Hux.  
“General Hux… for you…” He mumbled, hesitant to intrude any further.  
“Ren…. You are looking fantastic. Come in, come here.”  
“Hi Snoke,” He said quietly, standing next to Hux.  
“Kylo Ren,” Snoke replied.  
Hux’s attention was all on Kylo now.  
“Wow, what have you been doing, are you on a diet or something?” He said, grinning a little as he looked Kylo over and placed a hand gently on his shoulder.  
“Just… taking care of myself,” Kylo chuckled, shrugging a little.  
“This is just the way I like it,” Hux said breathlessly, running a hand over Kylo’s chest. “Good enough for a poke, right?”  
His blue eyes met Kylo’s mask.  
“Yeah, I guess, are you serious?” Kylo was grinning inside his helmet, but nervously.  
“I’m very serious,” Hux hummed. Snoke watched them both intently. “Tell you what, why don’t you uh, come by my office in a couple hours and I’ll make sure that goes down.”  
Hux raised his eyebrows a little.  
“Yes,” Kylo gasped.  
Suddenly, the General took the half-empty cup of tea he’d been holding and threw it in Kylo’s face. Snoke took this cue and the force shook the room, hitting Kylo hard and knocking him out. Phasma popped her head in through the doorway for a moment.  
“Wow, Snoke, what the hell, what’d you do that for?” Hux shouted as Kylo crumpled to the ground.  
“I, uh,” Snoke stammered, “Just, I… Got a little out of hand, I’m very-“  
“Hey,” Hux looked up at the hologram, “I love you, buddy, but you blew it.”  
“What,” Snoke began defensively.  
“What do you mean ‘what’?! You just used the force to knock him out. I loved him, alright? You blew it. Capiche?”  
Hux sighed and looked up, but away from Snoke. He closed one eye and left the room, humming what sounded like a love ballad to himself.  
Phasma met him as he left the chamber and began humming along.  
As Snoke disappeared, he joined in, too.


	2. Carol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT EVEN DRUNK CAN I BRING MYSELF TO PROOF THESE SORRY

Kylo stood at the bridge again, looking at a weapon system he was absolutely clueless about.  
Hux approached him and began making pig noises.  
“Hello, piggy piggy,” He snorted, coming to stand behind him. Kylo turned around.  
“Hi General Hux.”  
“Whoa, how many breakfasts did you have this morning?” He laughed.  
“Just one.”  
Hux cocked his head.  
“Looks like you had four or five, looking like a burrito this morning.”  
“Thank you, sir.”  
His insults never made sense, but that was what Kylo found so stunningly beautiful about him. Hux leaned in again.  
“Now, I have to tell you about this fantasy I’ve been having.”  
Kylo leaned in a little closer, too. He was very, very eager for this. Never mind that it usually meant getting something thrown in his mask.  
“I dip my wick into some poison, the kind that keeps your rod numb, so I can go in and stay in for a while…”  
Kylo nodded.  
“Uh, the only problem with that is that it’s very dangerous to the walls of the colon, so, uh… hope you’re not planning on having any kids.”  
Kylo had no idea what he meant, but he kept nodding anyway.  
“That would be nice, General.”  
“Mm, yeah,” Hux motioned to throw something in Kylo’s face, but thankfully it was only a feint. He laughed about it and Kylo followed suit.   
“Thought I was gonna-“ He feinted again, “No. Not… not yet.”  
His smile faded a little. Kylo decided it was now or never.   
“Um, General Hux, I actually made you a present,” He said as he took something out from under his cowl and placed it in Hux’s hand. “It’s a private video tape of myself.”  
Hux looked down at it for a moment, then nodded.  
“All-right, excuse me.”  
He pressed a button on the panel somewhere and his voice echoed over the loudspeaker, all over the ship.  
“Attention all personnel: please report to the nearest conference room for a special TGIF screening.”  
“it’s for you, Sir, not for everyone,” Kylo whimpered, quiet and helpless.  
Hux sneered at him.  
“Uh huh.” He left Kylo with an oink. 

“Hey, troops,” General Hux fumbled around with a control panel trying to find a way to project the tape throughout the Finalizer. A small hologram of Snoke sat by his side. “Snoke, you sit at the head of the table, I have a little special TGIF treat for you.”  
Kylo stood in the back corner of the room, hoping his shaking wasn’t visible.  
“Our associate Kylo Ren over there,” Hux gestured to Kylo, and the shaking only got worse, “He made me this secret tape. Of course, he told me not to show it to anybody, so. Here we go.”  
Hux clapped his gloved palms together as he moved to set the still image of Kylo, unmasked, sitting on his bed in motion.  
“Please, General, don’t show this,” Kylo pleaded from the back of the room.  
“This should be good, huh?” Hux said, as if he were directly addressing Kylo.  
On the screens all throughout the ship, Kylo brushed the hair from his face.  
“Hi, General Hux,” He began, and Kylo could feel his throat starting to close reliving this and knowing every single person, droid, and even prisoner aboard the Finalizer was about to witness it.  
“I just wanna tell you how much I love you and I made you this sexy video tape and I love you so much, sir,” The Kylo Ren on the screen continued, dark eyes glistening. “Okay, action.”  
He took a cup of hot water and poured it directly onto his face. Hux made a disgusted noise and the other officers in the room recoiled and shook their heads.   
“Oh my god, what is that?” Kylo heard Hux say.  
In the video, he began writing around on the bed.   
“Oh, that is disgusting,“ Hux continued, seemingly talking to himself.   
“What were you thinking?” Snoke whispered to Kylo again.  
Hux addressed Snoke now.  
“Reminds me of marlin fishing, huh Snoke? What do you say?”  
“I can almost smell ‘em,” Snoke laughed in agreement.  
“He probably smells like fish, huh. Perfect. Mm hmm. Oh boy I’d have sex with a dog before that.”   
Kylo teared up at Hux’s declaration.   
“What do you say, poke or no poke?” Hux asked Snoke.  
“I’d have to give that a no”, Snoke replied smugly.  
“No poke!”  
“ A big no on that one,” He jeered at the general.  
“Capiche, Ren?” Hux looked at him again. “No one wants to do you. Especially not me. Okay? That’s,” He cleared his throat and found a cup of something to throw at the screen. The panel sparked a little.  
“You’re a pig, Kylo. This is…”  
Kylo could barely hear any of this over his own rapid breathing.  
“You know what I would do with something like that?” Snoke’s hologram hissed, leaning towards Kylo, I would cut you up into little pieces and…”  
“Hey, Snoke. Cool it,” Hux stopped him.  
“Sorry, General.”  
Kylo relaxed a little, envious of how General Hux could control Snoke like that.  
“You have to know when to say when,” Hux said to Snoke, then addressed the rest of the crew over the loudspeaker. “Alright, team. Let’s get back to work, okay? The days not over yet, head out.”  
As everyone returned to their duties, Kylo was paralyzed in the corner of the conference room. Hux left him with a sinister smirk. Thankfully, his mask concealed the single tear that rolled down his cheek.

 

After the nightmarish incident with the private tape, Kylo felt he had no choice. As he laid in bed, hand-writing his resignation letter to General Hux, he sighed. He loved him, but he couldn’t take this one-sided affection anymore. He stuffed the letter in an envelope and headed for his ship.   
On the way, he noted Hux still working in one of the conference rooms through a large window in the hangar. Hux was evidently jacking off, shouting ‘I love you,” at whatever was so fortunate to be on that screen. Kylo shook his head, but then caught a glimpse of his own private video. He watched, still smiling, as Hux threw his cup of tea at his screen.  
He smiled and ripped up the envelope, but then, distracted, tripped on the ramp into his ship again, falling into a massive pile of cargo.   
Hux looked up and met eyes with Kylo. He mouthed “I love you,” again, and Kylo mouthed back, “I know”.


	3. Larry Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well y'all finally get this obscene date chapter. I have only recently risen from the dead to publish what killed me.

It has been some time since the incident with Kylo’s secret tape, and since then both General Hux and Kylo Ren have never been so blissful.  
Hux sat at a workstation that definitely was not his, writing something titled “POEM FOR KYLO”. It read:  
_He is great,_  
_We have a date,_  
_Don’t wait,_  
_He is my perfumed mate_  
_I stick my_  
At that line, Hux was distracted by an emergency message from Snoke.  
“Hello General,” He said languidly, clearly not an emergency. Hux was already annoyed.  
“Yes?” He said, grudgingly giving Snoke his full attention.  
“Is six thirty too early?”  
“For what?” Hux snapped, already knowing he was going to refuse whatever asinine task the Supreme Leader had for him.  
“Tomorrow!” He said, trying to remain calm, “Fishing, remember?”  
“Supreme Leader, no. I have a date with Kylo tomorrow.” Snoke’s face went blank. “I meant to cancel on you earlier. My apologies.”  
“General,” He hissed, “We’ve had this planned for weeks!”  
Hux gave him an unaffected shrug.  
“Snoke, you’ve got to grow up and shave your balls, okay? It’s a real man’s game. It’s the big leagues.”  
“I- I got the boat ready I…” Snoke stammered.  
“Whoa, whoa. No. No. Snoke. Snoke. Shh. You can go fish with yourself. Take your pole out and stroke it. Put your fist in your mouth. Go ahead. Wipe away those tears, Supreme Leader. Come on. Why don’t you go shave? Look at my calendar, can’t do it. Look at my calendar. Look it up Snoke, can’t do it. Look at my calendar.”  
Hux’s words cut to Snoke’s very core. He knew now there was nothing that could separate him from Kylo Ren. Except, perhaps…  
His masked apprentice approached just then with a friendly greeting.  
“Bitch,” Snoke whispered, heavily amplified by his hologram. He disappeared.  
“What’d I say?” Kylo asked Hux, concerned.  
“You know, Kylo, he’s been a bug all week,” Hux answered, ready to forget all his troubles as he gave Kylo a telltale raise of his eyebrows. The boy knew what to do.  
“Oh, I dropped something,” Kylo said seductively, using the force to knock a random object to the ground and roll it to his feet. He bent over gracelessly, nearly stumbling over his own robes.  
“I can smell that from right here,” Hux hummed. “I’m gonna get my fingers wet…”  
Kylo threw his leg up on the workstation.  
“Two tickets to stank town,” Hux said loud enough for several passing stormtroopers to hear and recoil at as Hux slipped two gloved digits in his mouth with a slurp.

 

Kylo and Hux walked hand in hand to the already snow-dusted picnic blanket that had been set up on the base for them. The General had completely forgotten about whatever abysmal fishing trip he’d planned with Snoke, and how could he not? As he and Kylo Ren threw grapes at each other in the freezing cold, he couldn’t have imagined anywhere else he’d rather be. Especially not when Kylo took off that damned helmet.  
Hux immediately reached for the large bottle of champagne he’d had prepared and shoved it into Kylo’s mouth. Kylo fellated it eagerly.  
The shadows grew long as the two rolled around in the snow, periodically getting in extremely compromising positions and loudly telling the stormtroopers on guard duty outside about it, and Hux was growing tired of simply putting on a show for their underlings. He pushed Kylo’s inner thigh off his face, stood, and pointed to Kylo’s ship which he’d ordered to be landed nearby and ready to leave at any moment. Kylo quickly stumbled to his feet and followed Hux’s lead.  
They tried to board Kylo’s ship together and go finish their date with some privacy, but, predictably, Kylo fell of the ramp just as it began to close. Must have been those deliciously long legs of his. Hux waved good-bye to his lover as the door finished closing. Kylo waved back from the snow with a dreamy smile on his face. 

 

Snoke, meanwhile, was fishing from his dirty Unknown Regions outpost, with a sad, sad song in his heart. “I don’t know… what to do,” He crooned. He jiggled his line and continued, “My best friend left me for a… piece of C*$#oon… Just don’t go telling me everything will be alright… Oh, I don’t know if I’ll make it through the night…”  
He finished on a haunting note and pulled a picture of the Starkiller Base crew out from his fishing vest. He glared down at it and then stabbed it into pieces, right through Kylo and General Hux.


End file.
